Waving the White Flag in the Mommy Wars

If you’re a mom, you are likely not unfamiliar with the pressure and anxiety that often accompany each decision you face when it comes to the care of your child(ren). The cultural notion of the Mommy Wars only exacerbates the pressure. In addition to trying to decide what is best for one’s family, women can often feel overwhelmed as they consider how other moms are doing things. I remember feeling exasperated and overwhelmed in my earliest days of motherhood as I was faced with making one decision after another. Homebirth or hospital birth? Breastfeed or bottle-feed? Vaccinate or don’t? Use store-bought food or homemade? Organic snacks or nonorganic? Homeschool or public school? (Although this one was a few years away, we had been asked before we were even married!). What were other moms doing? Should I do things like them? I was desperate to ensure that I was doing motherhood right.

As a new mom, I was exhausted in every sense of the word. Having to think through so many decisions only contributed to further exhaustion which ultimately lent itself to discouragement and despair. What was the right choice to make in each instance? What if I made the wrong one? What if I messed up and ruined my kids? What if I sinned too much and gave them a bad picture of what it looks like to follow Jesus? Making a choice in each instance would not have resulted in sin or foolishness, yet making one still felt weighty. My soul was in turmoil as my self-righteous heart wanted to make the “right” choice.

The fearful and anxious thoughts I experienced as the result of this desire revealed that my thinking wasn’t rooted in the truth. Philippians 4:8 instructs, “. . . whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” It followed then that if I wanted to take my thoughts captive, I had to begin thinking on what is true. To think on what is true, I was compelled to think of Christ. 

When I fixed my eyes on Jesus, I recalled that my salvation was secured by Him, not any efforts or decisions I made in mothering or otherwise. My righteousness rests in the perfect life Christ lived for me that I never could have. When I make absentminded mistakes due to mom brain or experience the greatest mom fail imaginable, God still looks at me and sees the perfection of Christ. Nothing I do or fail to do can change that. Understanding this helps me acknowledge that while many of the decisions we make as moms are important, they aren’t ultimate. The cultural norm of Mommy Wars may loudly shout otherwise, but as mothers who have been united to God through Christ, we know better. 

The Mommy Wars deceptively declare that I have accomplished my own righteousness by my right decisions made in mothering and ultimately, my right mothering. The gospel declares that I can never achieve perfection as a mother and I am freed from trying to because Jesus already accomplished it for me. Because of the freedom from sin Christ purchased for me on the cross, I no longer have to carry the impossible burden of securing my own righteousness. When I view the Mommy Wars through the lens of the gospel, I’m no longer tempted to engage in them as I recognize that they place an unnecessarily heavy yoke upon me that Jesus died to free me from. Remembering that my freedom is found in Him gives me peace and removes the temptation toward comparing my mothering with that of others. My righteousness rests in Christ alone not in making different, and what my pride often deems to be better, choices than the next mom. 

Sisters, we are freed to love, respect, and even befriend other moms who make different choices than we do. We don’t need to inundate them with our opinions regardless of how well-intentioned they may be. Upon the occasion that they do ask, we have an exciting opportunity to remind them of the freedom they have in Christ which allows them to rest in His righteousness as they make the choices that work best for their families.

Regardless of the ease in making whatever decision lies before us, we can employ wisdom as an act of humility knowing that God gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). He is faithful and He will give us wisdom when we ask for it (James 1:5). The perceived pettiness of a decision shouldn’t stop us from bringing it before our Wonderful Counselor who hears the prayers of the righteous (Proverbs 15:29). He gently leads those who are with young (Isaiah 40:11) and He will certainly aide us as we think through decisions that feel weighty in a mama’s heart. 

Christian mothers, when it comes to The Mommy Wars, please wave the white flag. Better yet, don’t even engage in the battle. Christ died in part for your unity to God and to your sisters and your righteousness rests in Him alone. Allow His love to overflow in your heart so you may extend it to other mothers. Never allow differences in mothering methods to disrupt the unity that Christ’s blood has purchased for both of you. After all, you have something more worthy than motherhood in common. You have Christ.