What Miscarriage Taught Me About Grief

Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of him! But the thunder of his power who can understand? Job 26:14

Since sharing publicly about my miscarriage, I’ve been encouraged by the kind, gentle, and compassionate responses I’ve received. My journey with grief has been a strange one yet I don’t want to miss what the Lord is teaching me in it. Although I don’t think that these lessons are the full sum of the Lord’s purposes in my miscarriage, I wanted to share them as a means of encouraging others who are grieving early pregnancy loss. Like Job, the older I grow, the more I realize that I am, indeed, on the outskirts when it comes to what God is doing. It fascinates me that the Bible tells me everything I need to know about God and even if I were to know it all, I would still be unable to understand all His ways (Romans 11:33). This causes me to humble myself and to trust that He is more awesome than I could ever imagine and He alone is worthy of my praise. I hope these lessons encourage you and cause your heart to continue rejoicing in Jesus even if you too are in the midst of sorrow (2 Corinthians 6:10).

Grief Doesn’t Have A Deadline

Early in my grief, this truth was impressed on my heart. I remember talking to Derek about not knowing when I wouldn’t be sad but then it dawned on me that I don’t have to. The only one who has placed pressure on me to move on in my grief so far has been me. This has revealed to me many things but primarily my impatience. I’m thankful that I have a Savior who was perfectly patient on my behalf and for the power of His Spirit working in me to produce that fruit (Galatians 5:22). Because God sees the perfection of Jesus when He looks at me, He is easily pleased with me. There is no standard He’s set in His word for when my grieving needs to conclude. Psalm 139:16 has been especially precious to me in this season for many reasons. While it’s reminded me that He precisely ordained the amount of time my baby would be growing in my womb, it’s also reminded me that He already knew my days on earth would include days of grieving. In this season, my legalistic heart often fears that I am failing God because some days, my grief hinders me from being productive – at least by my standards. Knowing that He’s ordained days of grief for me and that He is easily pleased with me because of Jesus frees me to trust Him with my moments of grief. It also reminds me that my ways of being productive, while good, often aren’t necessary for being faithful as He has called me to be. He keeps gently teaching my heart that I can rely on Him to help me be faithful with what He has called me to in each moment. I love my God who bears me up and does so daily (Psalm 68:19)!

God Doesn’t Punish His Children

Miscarriage is not a punishment. If you have turned from your sin and placed your faith in Jesus alone for salvation, God does not punish you because He punished Jesus on your behalf. While I can’t give you the specific reason(s) as to why you are grieving as you are, I can encourage you with the comfort that I’ve received in Christ. I cherish the words of Pastor John Piper who said, “God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them.” What a precious and helpful reminder that His ways are not our ways as both His ways and thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). I am thankful too for the words of author and blogger Tim Challies who reminded me that our should’s are not God’s. This was part of Tim’s response after the unexpected and untimely death of his son, Nick. Tim’s reminder comforted my mourning heart which often thinks of what should and would have been if my baby were still growing inside of me.

There Are No Prosperity Pregnancies

The first phrase I uttered upon experiencing my miscarriage was, “I deserve this.” My words revealed that some of my thoughts were rooted in prosperity theology – a false theology based on a transactional view of God in which He gives me what I want if I have enough faith. I figured my thinking was true since the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23) although Paul was actually referring to spiritual death when he said that. It is true that physical and spiritual death is the result of living in a sin-stained world but what makes the gospel so sweet is that I don’t receive what I’ve earned because Jesus received it for me. As if that weren’t more than enough, I’ve had His perfect life accredited to me. Now when God looks at me, He sees the perfection of Jesus. To some extent, the prosperity theology thinking is true in that I don’t have enough faith. My faith is often fragile and fickle but this makes me even more grateful for Jesus who lived a life of perfect faith in my place. To think that I deserve to miscarry is false because it implies the opposite – that I did something to earn my baby. Psalm 127:3 reminds me that children are a gift from the Lord and gifts cannot be earned – they are freely given (James 1:17). No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11) and the ultimate good thing is Jesus (Luke 10:42). A baby isn’t the prize – Jesus is. In my grief, I’ve been reading Job. Since having read it all the way through before, I’ve delighted in knowing how it ends. I’ve consoled myself with the fact that Job receives twice what he had before (Job 42:10) and wondered if, to him, that would have made all the suffering worthwhile. While I’ve suspected that his response would, naturally, be affirmative, I’ve realized that my suspicions were shortsighted. Job’s suffering rewarded Him with a bigger view of and bigger love for God and that is a treasure worth more than anything one might receive this side of eternity.

My Need for Help Doesn’t Mean I’m Incapable of Giving It

One of the biggest convictions in my heart in the days following my miscarriage is that I don’t want to be selfish in my grief. I am learning that it is healthy to have times where I cry and journal and pour out my heart before the Lord. However, being so well ministered to by my brothers and sisters both in and out of my local church body has made me want to pour out the love that I have received. I’ve been thankful for a few small opportunities I’ve had to serve others because it takes my eyes off of myself and my circumstances. It is one small way for my heart to defy the temptation toward hardness. It is evidence that my love for Jesus exists even when there aren’t many feelings to support it and it is a testament to His power being made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). This is simply further proof of His faithfulness as He is finishing the work He started in me (Philippians 1:6). Even my grief can’t thwart His purposes and my heart takes great comfort in that.

I Know How the Story Ends

When I am fearful because I don’t know how my story ends, I take comfort in that I know how The story ends. Through my current reading of the book, I’ve considered how Job points to Jesus. I found it fascinating to learn that some consider him a type of Christ. Also interesting to note is how the first of Job’s final words fit into the story of Scripture. In Job 42:1, Job told God, “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” The events of Job occur between Genesis 11 and 12. It is striking to read Job’s words so early in the story of Scripture and to see how they prove true as the storyline progresses and finds its fulfillment in Christ’s first appearance. As Christians living on this side of the cross, we know that God keeps His promises. He is faithful (Hebrews 13:8) and our circumstances, feelings, and failures can’t change that. This is the comfort we have when we do experience seasons of grief. We may not know how our individual stories may end but we know they will culminate in a better story when Jesus returns. We long for that day when death, tears, and trials will be no more (Revelation 21:4) and even more than that, we anticipate beholding our King in all His splendor. He is surpassing in worth (Philippians 3:8) and our greatest pain here doesn’t even begin to compare with His glory (Romans 8:18).